It’s Unstreamable! Where Jas Keimig and Chase Burns recommend movies and TV shows you can't watch on major streaming services in the United States. We post on Wednesdays unless we’re tired or busy 😊
(Or, you know, the holidays. We’re back for 2024, baby!)
Got a recommendation for Unstreamable? Give us the scoop at unstreamablemovies@gmail.com.
UK, 2002, 113 minutes, Dir. Danny Boyle
Ahhh, the picture that simultaneously launched Cillian Murphy and Naomie Harris’s careers into the international stratosphere and re-whetted the world’s appetite for zombie flicks. But 28 Days Later isn’t quite a traditional zombie flick—rather than being undead, these creatures are infected with a virus (inspired by Ebola) that amplifies their rage, turning them into crazed, hungry beings with blood coming out of their orifices who run. And, yes, it’s absolutely 10 times more unsettling now that COVID is peaking once again during this interminable pandemic.
In the movie, bike courier Jim (Murphy) wakes up from a coma to an abandoned London 28 days after the virus goes….viral. From there, he teams up with the gritty Celine (Harris), fatherly Frank (Brendan Gleeson), and his daughter Hannah (Megan Burns) to try to find safety at a military post in Manchester. Of course, the only thing worse than the infected are the uninfected humans only looking out for themselves. Director Danny Boyle shot the entire thing on a Canon XL1 digital camera, giving it a tinny, grainy early millennium texture, replete with jumpy camerawork and bombastic editing.
Though 28 Days Later was one of the highest-grossing horror films of 2002, it’s weirdly unavailable to stream legally online. Even the Wikipedia page has noted it’s unstreamability, observing that the rights must have lapsed somewhere. Physical media reigns supreme! JAS KEIMIG
Find it in the Psychotronic section under DISASTER! or rent it by mail.
SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES
USA, 1983, 95 minutes, Dir. Jack Clayton
Something Wicked This Way Comes is a dark fantasy live-action children's movie?? (said with a question) from Disney about death and dreams and evil carnival people. It was directed by Jack Clayton (The Innocents, The Great Gatsby) and written by Ray Bradbury (!!!), who also wrote Something Wicked This Way Comes, the original book, and Moby Dick, the movie, and famous novels like Fahrenheit 451.
Because of Bradbury's moody sci-fi bent and Clayton essentially acting as a lame-duck director to Bradbury, the film, which had a troubled production with lots of reshoots, is… well, surprisingly sinister, especially considering what today's Disney puts out. But the '80s were different, and Disney was trying to get serious by releasing creepier projects like The Black Cauldron and Return to Oz, which mostly got mixed reviews but have grown into cult favorites.
The movie, like the book, follows two young boys who investigate a wicked carnival that travels to their old-timey small town. The carnival's ringleader, Mr. Dark, was notably played by Jonathan Pryce (one of the popes from The Two Popes), and its witch was played by freaking Pam Grier (a star). Overall, it's cinematic and solid, with a strong cast that scares the shit out of its characters. To shoot one scene, the production doused their child stars in around 200 real tarantulas. Hope those kids are doing alright now. CHASE BURNS
Find it in the Directors section under Clayton, Jack, or rent it by mail.
Looking for more? Browse our big list of 350+ hard-to-find movies over on The Stranger.
*The fine print: Unstreamable means we couldn’t find it on Netflix, Hulu, Shudder, Disney+, or any of the other hundreds of streaming services available in the United States. We also couldn’t find it available for rent or purchase through platforms like Prime Video or iTunes. We don’t consider films on sites that interrupt with commercial breaks, like Tubi, to be streamable. Tubi is like Neu Cable. And yes, we know you can find many things online illegally, but we don’t consider user-generated videos, like unauthorized YouTube uploads, to be streamable.
