We’re so stoked for our virtual Zeitgeist session on unstreamable movies that we wanna give you a preview of two of the films we’re talking about. First, we’ll get into teeny-bopper and Britney Spears vehicle Crossroads, then discuss the sexy Goombas of the original Super Mario Bros. movie. And don’t forget to register for the talk—for free!!!!—here.
Got a recommendation? Give us the scoop at unstreamablemovies@gmail.com.
CROSSROADS
USA, 2002, 93 minutes, Dir. Tamra Davis
For the uninitiated, this teen road drama is a Britney Spears vehicle that failed to get her acting career off the ground but gave us the certified bop, "I'm Not A Girl...Not Yet a Woman." While it was a massive smash with audiences, it left critics—who probably never had a fun day in their lives—feeling cold. Many compared it to Mariah Carey's under-appreciated Glitter, deeming both films vanity projects. I'm sorry, but those takes are ass.
Crossroads is actually very watchable. Sure, it isn't fucking Stalker or anything, but it's a silly and fun teen movie with edgy elements like teen pregnancy, underage drinking, and hot older dudes. A little spicy. A little different. And when she sang along to NSYNC's "Bye Bye Bye," her then-boyfriend's band? I screamed. Britney has enough screen presence and good humor to carry the film, and it's a glimpse of the pop star at her peak of fame before tabloids and paparazzi started to grind her all the way down. It makes you think about what her career could've been like without all the ruthless invasions of privacy.
In our Zeitgeist chat, Chase and I will pick apart the elements of Crossroads that contribute to its unstreamable status, like its music (duh!) and the fact that it was a joint production between MTV Films and Zomba Films, a defunct company owned by Sony. Rights always get tied up one way or another! JAS KEIMIG
Find it in the Drama section. Rent it by mail here.
SUPER MARIO BROS
USA, 1993, 104 min, Dir. Annabel Jankel, Rocky Morton
Is it controversial to say I prefer the Super Mario Bros with the tiny-headed Goombas?
“Guilty pleasures” are dumb. If you like something, you like something. I like Super Mario Bros, the first one, though I do feel guilty about it because it’s a nightmare. (This Guardian profile on it starts with, “Dennis Hopper was not happy.”) An early '90s live-action adaptation of the popular video game franchise, Super Mario Bros follows John Leguizamo as Luigi and Bob Hoskins as Mario as they plumb their way to saving the world. Cool guy Dennis Hopper plays the main villain. Everything is stylized and weird (its production designer was the art director for Blade Runner [1982]). Still, this movie was an early gay root for me. I don’t know. It just smells queer. Leguizamo’s Luigi is both trade and twink. Hoskins’ Mario likes muscle women who slap him. Fiona Shaw’s here, too. My eyes were WIDE when I was watching this as a kid. Don't get me started on Toad.
During our talk on the 30th, we’ll get into what makes it unstreamable, why I think its Goombas are kind of sexy, and what the hell is wrong with all of you for liking this movie, too. (You voted that we talk about it!! You’re all gross!!) CHASE BURNS
Find it in the Psychotronic Room under Joysticks! (Games & Gamers). Rent it by mail here.
Looking for more? Browse our big list of 350+ hard-to-find movies over on The Stranger.
*The fine print: Unstreamable means we couldn’t find it on Netflix, Hulu, Shudder, Disney+, or any of the other hundreds of streaming services available in the United States. We also couldn’t find it available for rent or purchase through platforms like Prime Video or iTunes. Yes, we know you can find many things online illegally, but we don’t consider user-generated videos, like unauthorized YouTube uploads, to be streamable.
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