It’s Unstreamable! Where Jas Keimig and Chase Burns recommend movies and TV shows you can't watch on major streaming services in the United States. We post on Wednesdays unless we’re tired or busy 😊
Got a recommendation for Unstreamable? Give us the scoop at unstreamablemovies@gmail.com.
USA, 1974, 92 min, Dir. John Berry
In this comedy-drama, Claudine (Diahann Carroll in an Oscar-nominated performance) is raising six children on her own in Harlem. Though she receives welfare, it’s not enough to make ends meet, so she secretly works as a maid for a white family in the suburbs on the side. It’s there that Claudine meets a spry and funny garbageman, Roop (omg, James Earl Jones), who wants to wine, dine, and sixty-nine her every night of the week. At first unsure, Claudine eventually falls for that sexy garbageman.
There are many memorable moments in this film: the way Roop gazes at Claudine in bed and tells her “When I look at you, my teeth hurt”; how Claudine and her six children rush to hide all their new appliances when the white social worker comes to visit; the way Claudine slips into her pantyhose after a late-night session with Roop; both characters reckoning with their respective stereotypes and railing against the racist system that keeps them in poverty; the soundtrack, written by Curtis Mayfield and performed by Gladys Knight & the Pips.
Carroll and Jones have crackling chemistry that's both hilarious and real in the way they navigate the highs and lows of love, family, and the financial difficulties facing their relationship. There’s no pretense of a “happily ever after” ending for the couple, but rather, “how can we make this work if you end up losing welfare.” Criterion released a 4K restoration of the film several years ago, but it only pops up intermittently on streaming services. The Grand Illusion 50th anniversary screening this weekend is an excellent chance to Claudine in all its glory! JAS KEIMIG
Find it in the Drama section or rent it by mail.
USA, 1991, 108 min, Dir. Richard Shepard
The most remarkable part of this movie is that almost no one's heard of it—and David Bowie is the lead! And he's pretty good in it! Its VHS cover features the tagline, "He wants to be tied down. She wants to be tied up. It's not what you think." At first glance, I hoped this was some kind of Americanized version of Almodóvar's Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!, but, as the tagline suggested, it’s not what I thought.
Instead, The Linguini Incident is a comedy about a strange man from the UK who needs to get a Green Card ASAP (played by Bowie, a man who "wants to be tied down"), and an eccentric woman who is trying—unsuccessfully—to be a professional escape artist (played by Arquette, a woman who "wants to be tied up" and has this great line: "You don’t know how hard it is to escape from a straight jacket with tits").
The cast is a bunch of proto-hipsters who live in New York City in the early '90s. They all work at a surreal restaurant that sports a giant Salvador Dalí clock and makes its waitstaff wear uniforms made of silver lamé. It's got, almost, A Fish Called Wanda vibes, but without the English slapstick comedy. Fans and potential fans are in luck—it’s getting re-released as a director’s cut. CHASE BURNS
Find it in the Comedy section. In-store rental only. VHS.
Looking for more? Browse our big list of 350+ hard-to-find movies over on The Stranger.
*The fine print: Unstreamable means we couldn’t find it on Netflix, Hulu, Shudder, Disney+, or any of the other hundreds of streaming services available in the United States. We also couldn’t find it available for rent or purchase through platforms like Prime Video or iTunes. We don’t consider films on sites that interrupt with commercial breaks, like Tubi, to be streamable. Tubi is like Neu Cable. And yes, we know you can find many things online illegally, but we don’t consider user-generated videos, like unauthorized YouTube uploads, to be streamable.
