It’s Unstreamable! Where Jas Keimig and Chase Burns recommend movies and TV shows you can't watch on major streaming services in the United States. We post on Wednesdays unless we’re tired or busy 😊
Got a recommendation for Unstreamable? Give us the scoop at unstreamablemovies@gmail.com.
UK | USA, 1995, 111 minutes, Dir. Lawrence Kasdan
Kevin Kline as a (kinda) charming French thief character Luc in French Kiss won me over. Not because he gave a particularly stand-out performance, but because his French accent is so terrible (Gerard Depardieu was supposed to play the role) it adds a layer of earnest humor to the film. What does that say about my taste? (Don’t answer that.)
This delightful screwball romcom finds Kate ('90s superstar Meg Ryan), an American with a fear of flying, wrapped up in the illegal schemes of the very "French" and mustached Luc (Kline) as they bounce around the European country trying to win back Kate’s wayward fiancé. French Kiss is what I call a Laundry Fodder Film: an enjoyable movie you can put on in the background as you do laundry or tidy your room.
The plot is well-trodden enough that you don’t have to pay close attention to the first two-thirds, but by the end you’re half-assedly matching socks as you get fully absorbed in the film's final moments. French Kiss is perfect escapist content for this moment, when the world feels like it's on fire. Let Ryan and Kline’s PG-13 chemistry soothe you as you snuggle under warm sheets fresh out of the dryer. JAS KEIMIG
Find it in the Comedy section or rent it by mail.
USA, 1992, 90 minutes, Dir. Matthew Diamond
The holiday season can be cloying. There are the parades, the tree-cuttings, the eggnogs and the hot toddies, the endless knick-knack markets... While some people welcome the return of Mariah Carey's holiday warbles, there’s a silent majority that dreads it. And then there's always The Nutcracker, a holiday ballet that’s so compulsory it's usually given not one, but two or four or six productions a year. In one metro area! Most years, I count myself among the Christmastime grinches, but I'll admit there's one holiday performance tradition that without fail sweetens my bitter heart: Mark Morris Dance Group's The Hard Nut, a gender-bending contemporary spin on The Nutcracker from the funny and inventive Seattle-born choreographer Mark Morris. It can soften even the hardest and most cynical nuts among us.
Some years, Mark Morris Dance Group tours this nut around the country. But on years you can't see it in person, your best bet is to check out a copy of the original 1991 production, filmed at the Theatre Royal de la Monnaie in Brussels for PBS. The ballet's production design is based on the work of Charles Burns (unrelated to me, unfortunately), a cartoonist with deep ties to Seattle (he went to Roosevelt High then Evergreen College), and specifically Sub Pop, Fantagraphics, and even The Stranger. The Burns touch gives the show a dark, twisted, '90s alt-weekly vibe, and the show's lavish costumes make it feel like the B-52s went down to Whoville. There's plenty of drag, and the first act's closer, "Waltz of the Snowflakes," complete with men and women in white tutus and wigs that look like ice cream cones, chucking fistfuls of snow into the air, is so silly and gorgeous it's rumored to make me shed real, warm, human tears of joy. CHASE BURNS
Find it currently in the special holiday section or rent it by mail.
Looking for more? Browse our big list of 350+ hard-to-find movies over on The Stranger.
*The fine print: Unstreamable means we couldn’t find it on Netflix, Hulu, Shudder, Disney+, or any of the other hundreds of streaming services available in the United States. We also couldn’t find it available for rent or purchase through platforms like Prime Video or iTunes. We don’t consider films on sites that interrupt with commercial breaks, like Tubi, to be streamable. Tubi is like Neu Cable. And yes, we know you can find many things online illegally, but we don’t consider user-generated videos, like unauthorized YouTube uploads, to be streamable.
