In honor of Scarecrow’s spiffy new website (IT’S SO NICE!!!!!!!!!), we’re each pulling five of our favorite movies we’ve written over the past year for the old Sclog (Scarecrow blog). Read on to get some mostly* impossible-to-stream recommendations!
P.S. On September 30 at 2 pm, we’re hosting a virtual Zeitgeist talk about why you can’t stream certain films. Come through to hear us chit-chat about films like Crossroads (2002), The Brave Little Toaster (1987), Super Mario Bros (1993), and Heavenly Creatures (1994) Register—for free!!!!—here.
Got a recommendation? Give us the scoop at unstreamablemovies@gmail.com.
USA, 1955, 89 min, Dir. Douglas Sirk
There’s something so horny about Douglas Sirk’s All That Heaven Allows. Maybe it’s the colors. The New England landscapes and interiors are washed with a smoky orange and icy blue, shades that should not go together, but make you feel hot and cold at the same time. Or maybe it’s the fact that it was filmed in the ‘50s when upper middle class sexual and social rules were restrictive–it can be so sexy to burst out of what confines you. Or MAYBE it’s the fact that Jane Wyman and Rock Hudson are super hotties with great chemistry. All That Heaven Allows is the second Wyman-Hudson-Sirk collaboration and it’s pure melodrama distilled. Wyman plays Cary, an old widow of means who falls for her young arborist-with-a-heart of gold, Ron (Hudson). Because of their “huge” age gap, the relationship causes drama within Cary’s social set and family; those joyless hags think Ron is just trying to play Cary for her money. It sets up an interesting tension between the life Cary wants for herself and the life others expect from her. Every scene is beautifully composed with creamy, warm colors and ornate set dressings. Romance feels good in a place like this. Branded as a “women’s drama” when it first came out, All That Heaven Allows has gained much more esteem over the last half-century as being one the greatest films of its time. In fact, this movie helped bring us another century-defining film–Polyester. John Waters has been a long time admirer of Sirk, and his Divine-led suburbia satire pays homage to the legendary German director. Applause all around! JAS KEIMIG
Find it in the Directors section under Sirk, Douglas. Rent it by mail here.
USA, 1979, 92 min, Dir. Joan Micklin Silver
Joan Micklin Silver takes the guts of a romantic comedy and turns it inside out. When we meet bored civil servant Charles (John Heard) in the depths of Utah winter, he’s already met and lost the woman of his dreams. Earlier in the year, he had a whirlwind affair with coworker Laura (Mary Beth Hurt) who was separated but still married to her husband, an A-frame salesman and total schmuck. After she decides to get back together with him, the rather self-centered Charles is left with only the happy memories of their relationship to get him through the cold winter months as he tries to win her back.
Adapted from the Ann Beattie book of the same name, Micklin Silver manages to distill the deep irony of being so hopelessly in love with the idea of someone that it makes you the most miserable person on the planet. Under pressure from studio executives, the movie was originally released in 1979 as Head Over Heels and given a happy ending—and it totally flopped. But in 1981, Micklin Silver was given permission to reedit the movie to end on a more melancholy note and renamed it Chilly Scenes of Winter. It was released to much more favorable reviews and gained a cult following. And, thankfully, Criterion released the film in 4K in March of this year. JAS KEIMIG
Find it in the Comedy section. Rent it by mail here.
USA, 1987, 100 minutes, Dir. Rod Amateau
These grody Cabbage Patch Kids knock-offs introduced themselves to the world as parody trading cards in the mid-80s. Kids loved them, even though they had halitosis and gas and came with names like Adam Bomb and Handy Randy. The cards were so popular and gross that teachers banned them from schools. But, unfortunately for the gatekeepers of good taste, nobody banned these freaks from the box office, so we ended up with this cult piece of trash: Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie.
This famous stinker is about a teenage nerd named Dodger and the grubby little creatures who fall in love with him. One day, while schoolyard bullies beat the shit out of Dodger, a magic trash can gets knocked over, and—Voila! Out come the Garbage Pail Kids, a group of noxious monsters who won’t leave our teen protagonist alone. Sure, they can’t stop farting, but they mean well. And Dodger is in no position to turn away friends.
Some people have called this the worst movie ever made, and maybe they’re right. The plot is nonsense and the animatronic costumes are horrifying. But, to quote Andy Warhol, “Extreme bad and extreme good is very good. What’s no good is in between.” Andy’s line applies to Garbage Pail Kids: The Movie, which proudly belongs at the very bottom of the trash can. CHASE BURNS
Find it in the Kid’s Section under Children’s Live Action. Rent it by mail here.
LEONARD BERNSTEIN'S YOUNG PEOPLE'S CONCERTS
USA, premiered 1958, 60 min episodes
Considering all the drama in Tár, it's surprising that—semi-sorta spoiler alert??—the whole thing’s emotional climax involves a clip from Leonard Bernstein's Young People's Concerts. Those concerts are light, wholesome, even life-affirming, not exactly Tár’s vibe. But the legendary Bernstein was the mentor to the legendary and eponymous and fictional Lydia Tár, and she invokes him throughout the film. The Netflix series Pretend It’s a City also invokes him, when Fran Lebowitz raves about Bernstein’s concerts and their impact on her childhood. It's like Schoolhouse Rock! for orchestras.
Bernstein began televising the show with the New York Philharmonic in 1958, and it ran for fourteen years, totaling fifty-three concerts all aimed at breaking down complex musical ideas for the youths. Throughout the concerts, he teaches how music is movement, how music can describe how we feel better than words, and how to make music as impressionistic as a painting. CBS initially aired the live broadcasts on Saturday mornings, but they soon became so popular they were presented at prime time, 7:30 PM, for three years. CHASE BURNS
There are scattered episodes and clips available online, but, as far as I’m aware, the best way to watch is through DVD compilations. Find it in the Music section under Classical Performance. Rent it by mail here.
USA, 1987, 135 min, Dir. John Sayles
Matewan should be required viewing in schools. John Sayles’ moving social realist film about the true story of West Virginia coal miners rising up against their exploitative bosses in the 1920s not only uncovers a little told era of American history, but speaks to the power of collective action.
The movie opens with Black and Italian miners being brought into the tiny mountain town of Matewan as scabs after the white workers of Stone Mountain Coal Company go on strike to protest unsafe conditions and poor pay. Also on the train with them is Joe Kenehan (Chris Cooper in probably the best debut performance ever) of the United Mine Workers who’s come to organize the fed-up miners. As he works to bridge the racial divide between the Black and white miners (“Any union keeps this man out ain’t a union, it’s a goddamn club!”) and get them organized, Stone Mountain Coal sends out their goons to undermine the workers’ efforts using whatever means necessary. It eventually culminates in a bloody confrontation that Joe had worked hard to avoid.
Cooper is the heart and soul in the movie, but James Earl Jones, Mary McDonnell, Will Oldham, and David Strathairn turn in some excellent performances. After nearly a decade of making under-the-radar indie films, Matewan was Sayles’ first to garner him significant mainstream recognition with cinematographer Haskell Wexler getting an Oscar nomination. Workers of the world, unite! JAS KEIMIG
Find it in the Directors section under Sayles, John. Rent it by mail here.
Spain | USA | France | Italy, 2001, 104 min, Dir. Alejandro Amenabar
“In this house, no door must be opened without the previous one being locked,” says Nicole Kidman’s character, Grace, near the opening of the blockbuster psychological thriller The Others. These instructions—which Grace gives to the spooky-ass new housekeepers tasked with maintaining her big-ass mansion for her and her white-ass kids—become the first red flag of many red flags. Some others: The previous housekeepers fled with no notice. There’s no electricity. Music and loud noises are outlawed. It’s a high security nightmare (there are ~15 keys to this place). And every room has to be kept very, very dark. “The light must be contained as if it were water,” demands Grace.
The alleged reasoning behind the total darkness is that Grace’s lily-white kids have a rare illness that requires them to hide from natural light for, like, ever. As if they’re little ghosts. Or demons in Demon Slayer. This is why the doors are always locked, so they can’t accidentally wander into a day-lit room. And yes, these kids are creepy. Straight-from-the-udder white. But I won’t spoil the secrets behind their whiteness… Like The Sixth Sense, the twist is the point. What’s done in the dark will come to light.
Why is The Others unstreamable? Maybe it has something to do with its executive producers; maybe it has something to do with its upcoming remake. CHASE BURNS
Find it in the Directors section, under Amenáber, Alejandro. Rent it by mail here.
United Kingdom | France | USA, 2010, 106 min, Dir. Asif Kapadia
Using solely archival footage with voiceovers from people in Ayrton Senna’s life, Senna follows the legendary Brazilian Formula One driver from the mid-80s to his tragic death in May 1994 at the age of 34. In particular, it focuses on the epic rivalry between Senna and French driver/teammate Alain Prost as they fight for years over the World Championship title (which Senna won three times). The girls are fighting! While filming, Kapadia had unfettered access to Senna’s private home video footage and video from public appearances and press conferences, allowing him to weave together an intimate portrait of the driver.
The version of Senna that emerges from the film is one who is humble, ambitious, deeply serious, and constantly calculating how to elevate the sport to the next level. The doc uses footage from a camera that was attached to the side of Senna’s car so you can see what he sees, see how the road looked in front of him, see the way he made it all make sense. And its collage-like style makes Senna a genuinely thrilling watch. Men? Going 200 mph? On a RACE track? Sign me up! And even though we know how the story ends, what Senna illuminates about this sports icon is the importance of discipline—and luck!—when it comes to being ferocious about what you do. Rest in peace, my guy. JAS KEIMIG
Find it in the Sports Sleeves section under Auto Racing. Rent it by mail here.
If you watched a lot of foreign movies in the ‘90s, you maybe stumbled on Japanese director Masayuki Suo at film festivals. I was watching Barney in the ‘90s, so I got introduced to him later in life, in a roundabout way via Jennifer Lopez.
The 2004 Miramax hit Shall We Dance?, a sappy movie about a burned-out salaryman who gets his groove back by secretly becoming a ballroom dancer, is in the pantheon of J Lo rom-coms. It stars Jennifer Lopez, Richard Gere, and Susan Sarandon, and it’s predictable and corny. Still, Miramax mined its charming leads for gold, making around $170 million at the box office, over triple the film's budget. But that success is only a shadow of the whole story since the film is a remake of a much better movie: Masayuki Suo’s Shall We Dance? from 1996. Unfortunately, that movie is hard to find in the US, unlike its glitzy remake, which has been on HBO Max.
The starter Shall We Dance? stars Koji Yakusho (Tampopo, Memoirs of a Geisha, Under the Open Sky) and is tender, funny, and void of Hollywood cheese. It was even more successful than its remake, becoming an international hit and inspiring a ballroom dance craze. It shares a lot with Suo’s earlier movies, Sumo Do Sumo Don’t and Fancy Dance. All three focus on modern men who experience epiphanies after practicing something formal (ballroom) or traditional (sumo, Buddhism). When Miramax acquired the North American rights for Suo’s Shall We Dance?, they fucked with it—because of course they did—and cut about 20 minutes off the movie, mainly cutting out women. That sounds like Harvey Scissorhands. CHASE BURNS
Find it in the Foreign section under Japan. There are two cuts: The Miramax DVD is 118 minutes. The release from Toho is 136 minutes. Rent it by mail here.
Japan, 2006, 111 min, Dir. Michael Arias
It was the middle of a very bad Minnesotan winter, wind chills were 50 below zero, and I had farsickness. I couldn’t get the image of a place out of my head. It was a place I didn’t know but I could see the scenes: crowded streets with bright colors, electrical lines sagging in every direction, something like Where’s Waldo but somewhere like Taipei or Mexico City. That led me here, to Tekkonkinkreet.
This American-directed anime film is set in a florid megacity called Treasure Town, a neverending location with angled towers and crisscrossing trains. Buildings are weathered but still gaudy. Streets change every second. VIZ, the distributor of the original Tekkonkinkreet manga, describes Treasure Town's "mean streets" as "punk rock meets fine art." There's a lot to say about it.
While Treasure Town is the body and spirit of the film, its plot follows two orphaned lost boys called White and Black. They fight to survive, navigating yakuza and crooked cops and supernatural headhunters. But despite the town's meanness, it's as playful as the film's orphans. Like a wet Hello Kitty holding a pistol. Treasure Town is always where my imagination goes during hard winters. CHASE BURNS
Find it in the Animation room. Rent it by mail here.
USA, 2001, 97 min, Dir. Sandi Dubowski
Trembling Before G-d is a kind of heartbreaking watch. The documentary follows several queer Orthodox Jews that have to contend with their community’s hostile attitudes toward gays and their own desire to live as they truly want. Throughout the film we hear from a variety of people living the queer Orthodox experience. A devotedly religious gay man who came out to his family but after decades is still advised to live a life without companionship. A lesbian couple who counseled other closeted Orthodox lesbians on how to make it through the day. Another older gay man who has not been practicing for over a quarter-century but still yearns to be in contact with his ultra-religious family. The pulsing thrum through all these people is their desire to live a life alongside God despite being told that their existence is blasphemous.
The documentary took over six years to film as director Sandi DuBowski—himself a gay Conservative Jew—spoke to hundreds of queer Orthodox Jews, though only a few were comfortable talking about their experiences on camera. But that’s not to say that Trembling Before G-d is all extremely dark. Rather, there are moments of levity mixed in with the talking head interviews. (“Why would a man want to put another man’s schmecky in his mouth?” says one man as he recounts an honest conversation with his rabbi, lol). While there are certain elements of the film that I felt needed to be fleshed out more, Trembling Before G-d is an intimate portrait of queer life and love in the Orthodox community.
Also h/t to both New Yorker critic Emily Nussbaum and former Stranger staffer Annie Wagner for the heads up! JAS KEIMIG
Find this in the Drama section on the LGBT shelf. Rent it by mail here.
Looking for more? Browse our big list of 350+ hard-to-find movies over on The Stranger.
*The fine print: Unstreamable means we couldn’t find it on Netflix, Hulu, Shudder, Disney+, or any of the other hundreds of streaming services available in the United States. We also couldn’t find it available for rent or purchase through platforms like Prime Video or iTunes. Yes, we know you can find many things online illegally, but we don’t consider user-generated videos, like unauthorized YouTube uploads, to be streamable.
