It’s Unstreamable! Where Jas Keimig and Chase Burns recommend movies and TV shows you can't watch on major streaming services in the United States. We post on Wednesdays unless we’re tired or busy 😊
Got a recommendation for Unstreamable? Give us the scoop at unstreamablemovies@gmail.com.
Norway, 2011, 76 min, Dir. Jannicke Systad Jacobsen
I remember when I was a horny 15-year-old. I’d watch and masturbate to five-minute porn clips and GIFs on Tumblr—R.I.P. But in the Norwegian comedy Turn Me On, Dammit, 15-almost-16-year-old Alma (Helene Bergsholm) has a penchant for masturbating to the wild, steamy stories of a phone sex line operator named Stig. She eventually racks up the phone bill so high, that once discovered, she’s forced by her mom to get a job to pay it off.
Alma is humiliated, clearly. Especially since this revelation comes right after the popular Artur (Matias Myren) rubbed his naked boner on her thigh outside a party (to her delight) but then denied it in front of the entire school (to her dismay). Alma then becomes a horny outcast, spending her days flicking one out to romantic fantasies in her head, while wishing she could dip from her stupidly small town. What’s a girl to do!? And where’s the line between reality and made-up fantasy?
This sweet teen sex comedy is pervy and relatable, but never exploitative. Turn Me On, Dammit was shot with actual teens who needed acting lessons before the shoot began, but you’d never guess it—Helene Bergsholm as Alma is a delight. JAS KEIMIG
Find it in the Foreign section under Norway.
France, 2001, 109 min, Dir. Coline Serreau
This movie is so French. The Frenchiest. The pitch: a bourgeoisie couple (Vincent Lindon and Catherine Frot) rushes off to an event when a sex worker (Rachida Brakni) runs in front of their car, screaming for help. Attackers are pursuing her. They smash her head against the car. Lots of blood. (This movie bills itself as a comedy.) The husband asks the wife for a tissue, seemingly to help the woman, but instead, he uses it to clean the blood off his car. They speed away—but the couple will entangle with the woman in ways they couldn't have predicted.
The film proceeds with a bunch of mommy issues, misogyny, and elevator jazz. Somehow, it's feminist and funny. The best part is how the characters are always rushing. Especially the women. They sprint across the screen. Building a scene where your actors can't stop moving is a great trick. It makes the stakes so stupid, so high, so chaotic. The film's director is Coline Serreau, a popular French director known for creating the original Three Men and a Baby (1987), the French Three Men and a Cradle (1985). CHASE BURNS
Find it in the Foreign section under France.
Looking for more? Browse our big list of 350+ hard-to-find movies over on The Stranger.
*The fine print: Unstreamable means we couldn’t find it on Netflix, Hulu, Shudder, Disney+, or any of the other hundreds of streaming services available in the United States. We also couldn’t find it available for rent or purchase through platforms like Prime Video or iTunes. We don’t consider films on sites that interrupt with commercial breaks, like Tubi, to be streamable. Tubi is like Neu Cable. And yes, we know you can find many things online illegally, but we don’t consider user-generated videos, like unauthorized YouTube uploads, to be streamable.
